THE SPACE BETWEEN
by Hidden Gems
Summary: Chaptered S-R fic starting on a disturbing full moon night in the Marauders' fifth year when one of Remus' transformations goes wrong and Sirius decides to stay with him on his own, not possibly imagining the consequences his decision will have.
1. Default Chapter

**Disclaimer**: I wish it was all mine, but Harry Potter and everything that comes with it belong to JK Rowling, Warner Brothers, Bloomsbury and other publishers.

**A/N**: In this chapter, one of Remus' transformations goes wrong and Sirius decides to stay with him on his own, not possibly imagining the consequences his decision will have.

* * *

CHAPTER ONE

**JAMES WAS RIGHT**

Night of April 14th, 1976.

Sirius was leading the way down the tunnel, with James and Peter behind. He could hear Remus' piercing screams somewhere above his head. It was only the fourth time since they had all managed to change into their animal forms and his transformation took a while to get used to.

Peter had nearly been frightened to death the very first time they had come face to face with the wolf. He had scampered back to the castle, not even bothering to change back into himself. They had found him hiding under the sheets of his bed and he had bitten them both before they had managed to talk some sense into him. The werewolf looked all the more impressive once in rat-vision, and it had taken him and James a lot of time and patience to convince Peter to come back with them the following month.

Of course, Remus had no memory of it, but when he learned what had happened, he made them swear that they would leave the Shack if things looked out of control.

"Hurting myself is fine, I can deal with that," he said, "But hurting any of you is not something I want to risk."

They had all agreed – Peter probably more vehemently and Sirius more reluctantly than the other two – but, deep inside, all hoped that it would not be necessary.

The third time, they dared stepping out of the Shack. The wolf seemed calm enough and Peter was the only one saying it was not a good idea. Sirius found the right argument, though, for there was nothing that a mouthful of shiny pointy teeth could not make someone accept. Like before, Wormtail ran down the tunnel and touched the magic knot. While Padfoot made sure the wolf's attention was focused on him, James transformed back into a boy and ran outside. Then, slowly, Padfoot led the wolf down the tunnel and out on the grounds. Prongs was there, ready to intervene if anything went wrong. _Don't hesitate to kick me with your hooves,_ Remus had repeated until James nodded.

Sirius could still feel his heart swell many nights later when he recalled the way the wolf had sniffed the air, looked around and then playfully rolled around in the grass. They had only walked a short way around the Forest, before making their way back into the Shack, but everything had been very easy and they had happily thought about all the places they could go to the following month.

But this time was different; they could all tell right away. Even the tunnel looked different. If it had appeared rather welcoming the previous month, tonight it was gloomy and cold. Not the nicest last thing to see before coming face to face with a werewolf… Peter squeaked and backed off behind James' heels. The latter had not transformed back into a stag and was listening intensely.

"Sirius, wait!" James said. The dog had almost reached the trapdoor and looked at him, cocking his head to the side and growling. He sighed. "For Merlin's sake, I can't talk to you when you're a dog! You can change too, Peter."

Two seconds later, Sirius walked towards them. He had become used to the fact that he was naked when he transformed back, and he did not mind standing in front of his friends without feeling the need to cover himself. Peter, though, stayed in the shadow, and James surely did not display himself the way he did.

"What?"

The only light was coming from the trap door, but the full moon was so bright that night that they could distinguish each other well enough. However, he would not have needed his dog-vision to see the doubt painted all over his friends' faces.

"What?" he repeated, sounding a lot more exasperated than when they had left the castle. "Come on, guys, he's waiting!"

"Sirius, I'm not sure we should go in there…"

"Why not?"

A blood curling scream made them all freeze. Sirius and James' heads instinctively turned towards the trap door as Peter took a few steps towards the entrance of the tunnel.

"_That's_ why not…"

Sirius shrugged, turned around and ran back towards the trapdoor, but James grabbed his arm. "We can't go in there."

"We have to!"

"J–J–J–James is…right," Peter stuttered. "And R–R–Remus said so too… We don't have to…to go…"

"Something's not right this time, Sirius. You know that if any of us gets hurt, he'll stop us coming here altogether. He warned us, remember?"

Sirius clenched his fists. "So, because his screams sound different, you're ready to chicken out and leave him on his own, when we had the proof last time that what we did helped him?"

"Don't you dare call me a chicken, Sirius!" James said, doing his best to keep his voice down. "I just don't want anything dangerous to happen!"

"He _needs_ us!"

"I know he does, but Sirius, come back down to earth! What can a dog, a stag and a rat do against a wolf out of control?!"

James took his friend by the arm and pulled him back towards the entrance.

"It worked last time," Sirius whispered, looking down.

"I was there, remember? I know it worked. But Sirius, what if…what if he had just been unusually calm and—"

"_He_? How do you dare say that, how _can_ you say that?!" Sirius shouted, yanking his arm away. "You know it's not Remus anymore when the wolf takes over!"

James sighed. "Look, don't make it sound like I haven't thought this through, because I _have_, OK? But all can think about right now is Remus telling us to get out if things looked out of control; those were his exact words! You were there. And right now, forgive me but I don't like the sound of this. I'm telling you, if we go up now, the wolf will rip us apart…"

"Well, if you're going to give up in front of every small hurdle you encounter, I don't know why you agreed to do this in the first place!" Sirius shouted.

"Shhh, he'll hear you if you don't keep your voice down…"

"Great! Let him hear me!" he said even louder, taking another few steps towards the trap door. "I'm here, Remus! I'm coming to help you!"

"This is madness…" said James, shaking his head. "I don't want to be part of this. Peter, I think we should go back," he added, turning towards his friend. "You can do whatever you want, Sirius, but if they find you half-dead by his side tomorrow, _you_'ll have to explain."

James was sincerely hoping that this last argument would make Sirius change his mind, but when the latter replied, "Fine, see you tomorrow," he sighed and walked away.

Sirius cursed them silently but he did spare them a glance. After an extremely brief debate with himself, he took a deep breath and transformed again. A few seconds later, he jumped through the trapdoor and ran up the stairs.

Remus was still screaming. James was right; something was very wrong. By this time, Remus had always transformed and it was only the wolf's howls they could hear. But right now, he could still hear Remus' voice, and the piercing screams were full of pain. Could he really think about turning around, going back to the warmth of Gryffindor Tower and leaving his friend without at least checking on him? No, he could not. It was as simple as that.

He ran down the now almost familiar corridor, looking for his friend. Remus tried to change rooms every time to make sure that some of the furniture in them would remain intact. This time, he was right at the end of the corridor; the only door that had been pushed shut. Padfoot stood in front of it, not daring to open it right away. But when he heard a loud crash and another blood-freezing scream, he gathered his courage, reared up on his hind legs, pushed the door open and tiptoed in, making sure not to go too far.

Remus was on the floor, right in the middle of the room, bathed in moonlight. Sirius had been right, he had not transformed yet and his body was madly twitching on the floor, as though he was having a fit. His hair was dishevelled; his clothes torn in several places; his limbs looked as though they were in the process of shrinking; and the soft down of blondish hair covering them was slowly being replaced by dark fur. And his hands… Sirius could not keep his eyes off them. His long and slender hands were hideously deformed, the fingers much shorter and thicker than usual, hard nails growing out of the fingertips as they gradually transformed into claws. Sirius thought he might be sick when he heard the noise of bones and joints cracking, but for Remus' sake, he stayed where he was.

Suddenly, Remus jerked and fell flat on his back, his hands imploringly held out towards the moon outside. The sounds coming out of his friend's mouth were unbearable and Padfoot lay his head flat on the floor, covering his ears with his paws, but he could still hear them.

Remus rolled over and crawled towards the window, supporting himself on the windowsill. "Go away!" he suddenly shouted, his eyes filled with tears of anger glaring at the silver orb. "Leave me alone; I've had enough of this!" His legs gave way and he fell on the floor again with a loud thud.

Even though his inner voice was screaming against it with all its might, Padfoot changed into a human again and slowly crept towards Remus. The floor was dirty, gritty and splintery against the tender flesh of his exposed body, but that was the last thing on his mind. The boy was still in control; Sirius knew it. It was him that had spoken; the wolf had lost for a second or two and retreated into the dark corner of Remus' body in which he hid for the rest of the month. Maybe, if he could focus on Sirius, maybe…

"Remus?" he whispered, trying his best to steady his voice.

He was answered with louder groans and moans, but still crawled closer along Remus' body, until his face was level with that of the other boy.

"Remus? Can you hear me? It's me, Sirius… Remus, open your eyes."

He sank his teeth into the tender skin of his bottom lip when Remus' body gave another terrible jolt. In the hope that he might stop him convulsing, he grabbed Remus by the shoulders and tried to hold him down. But the boy's strength had started to multiply, and all Sirius did was getting his arm lightly scratched by his friend's growing nails. The wound was not deep enough to bleed, but Sirius gasped and held his arm.

"Remus!"

Suddenly, his friend's eyes opened, focusing on him, and he immediately saw his brow furrow. "Sirius…?" Remus whispered, his voice hoarse from too much screaming. "Wh— What are you doing here?"

"I couldn't leave you on your own. You were making terrible noises… What's happening to you, mate? Why haven't you changed?"

"Get away from me!" Remus suddenly shrieked, forcing himself to get on his hands and knees and crawl away from his friends. "If you want to live, go, just go…" he moaned.

"I swore I wouldn't…"

"You're making it worse…" Remus said between gritted teeth.

"But—"

"GO!"

Remus collapsed on the floor once more, and when Sirius crawled towards him, he understood that the boy had finally surrendered, letting the wolf take over. In a split second, Sirius changed into a dog and leapt back. But he remained in the room, hoping the wolf would remember him from the previous month; hoping it had not just been a one-of.

After a few horrible minutes, once the transformation was complete, the wolf stood on its four legs. Padfoot let out a small yelp and took a few more steps back. The wolf was staring at him, and Padfoot realised with horror that he had somehow managed to put the beast between him and the door. No matter how quick and agile he may have been, he knew the wolf would easily get him if he tried to escape. If only James had not chickened out… Prongs was taller than both of them and it was always nice to know he was around to help, just in case. _What can a dog, a stag and a rat do against a wolf out of control?_ So what could a dog, all on its own, hope to do?

_Show him you're not afraid._

He was afraid, very afraid, but he knew that showing any sign of weakness could mean the end of him. The wolf standing in front of him was close to twice his size. He shook his head and barked as bravely as he could. But it was not good enough and i had sounded more like an odd mix between a bark and a frightened yelp. If he had been face to face with a human, he knew he would have been laughed at. But the wolf did not laugh. It did not move either. It remained where it was, completely still, with its piercing yellow eyes locked on Padfoot, breathing loudly. The breathing gradually turned into growling, and Padfoot's eyes widened when he saw the snout scrunching up and the menacing razor-like teeth appearing. Panicking, he mimicked the wolf's gestures, uncovering his teeth and barking a lot more violently this time. The wolf responded.

And then it suddenly hit him. Although he could take the shape of a dog, he did not have its animal mind. What he had just done was similar to pointing a wand at another wizard and whispering the beginning of an incantation. He had only meant to show the wolf that he was not afraid, but he had been displaying obvious signs of hostility, as though he was going to attack.

And now the wolf was ready to do just the same. It had crouched down a little, every muscle in its body tense, ready to jump. When it eventually leapt forward, Padfoot only very narrowly avoided it by jumping to the side. The same thing happened three of four times, until they started scratching and biting each other. Sirius did not want to hurt the wolf, because it really was Remus, but his inner voice kept reminding him that he would be slaughtered if he did nothing. So he tried his best to concentrate on the legs or the back and stay well away of the face. He got slashed a few times on the back by the wolf's claws, but it was never too serious, and he retaliated every time. It gradually turned into a rather playful fight, each of them nibbling at the other's skin without causing much damage, like the ones they had the previous month, when they had allowed the wolf to get out of the Shack.

Just when Padfoot was getting confident that the wolf had indeed remembered him, it suddenly growled menacingly and sent him to the other side of the room with one swipe of its massive paws. He hit the wall and collapsed on the floor with a yelp. Not understanding what had just happened, he got up, his entire body shaking from the shock. Fixing his eyes on the beast again, his heart started racing and he felt the dog equivalent of cold sweat, but he gathered his courage and trotted back towards the wolf. After only a few seconds, he was greeted by the same gesture. The second blow was harder, and standing up on his four legs again was much more difficult than before. He could not understand what had brought such a change in the wolf's behaviour but he was unwilling to admit defeat. The third time, the wolf had enough of him and hit him a lot harder, sending Padfoot's body over the old tattered couch. He crashed into the cabinet behind it before hitting the floor with a loud thud, unconscious. The cabinet rocked, dropping all its content on his back and finally collapsed against the couch, somehow hiding him from the reach of the wolf, which had no one to play with now.

- - -

When Sirius opened his eyes again, he was not Padfoot anymore. He knew immediately when he felt locks of hair against his face, obstructing his vision. He could hardly move, because of the angle the cabinet had formed when it had fallen on the couch, but he managed to squeeze himself out of there, careful not the scrape his skin on anything too sharp or rough. The sun was up, but just so, and he had no precise way to tell what time it was. Five o'clock, maybe. He got up, cautiously, and only let go of the couch when he was sure his legs would not give way.

Then he saw Remus.

The other boy was curled up at the opposite side of the room and the sunlight cast and odd and very dark shadow on the floor next to him. The room felt extremely cold and Sirius shivered, looking round for something he could use to cover himself and Remus. His eyes fell on what must have been old curtains, now reduced to vulgar pieces of cloth by the claws of the wolf. He found one piece big enough for him and tied it around his waist like a towel, and threw a smaller one around his shoulders. He still felt cold, but at least it was a start. When he found another one just as big, he walked towards Remus. But he froze after two steps and gasped.

"Remus?!"

What he had mistaken for a shadow cast on the old floor boards was in fact a puddle of blood under his friend's body. Feeling as though he might be sick, he turned around and leaned against the wall, closing his eyes and taking deep breaths in. After a few seconds, he slowly walked towards Remus and knelt down beside him, not knowing what to do. Very cautiously, he held his friend by the shoulders and slowly made him roll over, so he could see his face. It was not a pretty sight. There were several ugly looking gashes on his forehead and cheeks, and his torso and arms were a lot worse. A particularly deep one ran along the side of his neck, and for a second or two, Sirius thought it might have sectioned an important artery, hence the amount of blood lost. They had never seen Remus right after the transformations; only after Madam Pomfrey had cleaned him up. And now he wished he never had… Remus' skin felt so cold against his fingertips that Sirius really feared the worst for a moment, but then the other boy moaned.

Sirius let out a huge sigh of relief and ran back towards the window to pick up the rest of the rags. He used some of them to wipe the blood on his friend's body, having to stop every minute or so to make sure he would not pass out at the sight of the gashes in the tender flesh. Once Remus was relatively clean, Sirius dragged him away from the blood, towards the window, where the rays of sun might warm him up later on, and did his best to wrap the biggest piece of cloth around him. It was a freezing morning for April and although he could not actually tell whether the wounds were worse than usual, he did not want his friend to die of cold before the nurse came to take him to the Hospital Wing.

Sirius gasped and looked up. What if she suddenly came in and discovered him there? He would be in for a rough time, he knew it. But could he abandon Remus for fear of detention, or even expulsion, if it came to that? His mother would surely kill him if such a thing happened, but at that particular moment it seemed rather trivial compared to worrying about whether Remus was going to survive or not.

Sirius gasped again when his friend let out a long and agonising moan. "Remus? Can you hear me, mate?" he gently asked, sitting down and wrapping the piece of cloth tighter around Remus' chest to keep him warm.

Remus did not say anything, but he responded to the touch and nuzzled against Sirius' chest, like a baby against his mother's womb. Sirius looked down and smiled for a second. What a sight it must have been! If he felt embarrassed at first, that feeling gradually gave way to another one much stronger, which made him wrap his arms around Remus and hold him close. The other boy's skin felt very cold but soon he could swear that it got slightly warmer against his chest.

He shifted, leaning back against the wall to make Remus lie across his own body. There was one large piece of cloth left, which he managed to wrap around both of them, in an attempt to trap their body heat. Their chests were in immediate contact and all Sirius wanted was to feel the warmth spread from his body to his friend's. But it was not working, and after a few minutes he could feel Remus shivering in his arms again. He tried rubbing his back and arms, but more than once he made the other boy wince, so he gave up. He was feeling outright frustrated. Remus' skin was not getting warmer, he was moaning more and more often but his voice was becoming increasingly quieter. And his teeth were chattering, which proved to be a noise Sirius could not stand for very long at all. He tried everything he could think of, but it all seemed in vain. So he decided to talk to him again.

"Hey, Remus, can you hear me?"

Remus did not reply. His lips had started to turn blue.

"Hang on, mate. You can't…die on me!" he said, feeling his throat tighten at the mere thought of it. "You've been through worse than that, I'm sure… Hang on, Remus, please…"

Remus let out another moan and tried to nuzzle closer to Sirius' chest.

"Remus, talk to me! I know you're cold, I know you tired, and I know you're hurt… But you've got to stay awake! Madam Pomfrey will soon come to get you, but for the moment it's just me, so you've got to talk to me, OK?"

Gently, he dared to let the tip of his fingers run along the soft lines of Remus' face, making sure to avoid the gashes. It did not mean anything; he just wanted to let his friend know that he was there, right there. Gradually, he even let his fingers run through the dirty blond hair, realising that it was something he had wanted to do for a long time. He had more than once stared at Remus' hair, which colour was so different from his own, and wondered what it felt like. Hair came in so many textures; his own, like James', was rather thick and untamed; Peter was much thinner; Snivellus was flat and greasy… As it was, Remus' was just what he had imagined: rather thick and soft against his fingertips.

Remus moaned louder and opened his eyes ever so slightly. "S— Sirius?"

Sirius smiled. "Hey, mate…"

"What are you…d–doing here?" he murmured, his breathing sounding heavy.

"I'm here to look after you."

"Poppy… If she…finds you…"

"We'll worry about that later, OK?" said Sirius, holding Remus even closer than before. "How are you feeling?"

"Cold."

"I know. I'm trying my best, mate, but nothing seems to warm you up. If only I had my wand, I could light a fire… Maybe I should try to see if I find anything to help in the house?"

"No! Don't go…" Remus begged, his blood-covered fingers grabbing the piece of cloth wrapped around them. His voice was barely more than a whisper, but it sounded so miserable and full of plea that Sirius could not have seriously considered going. "Don't go… Please don't go..."

"I won't, I promise. But you've got to stay awake, OK?"

"OK…"

"Keep your eyes open, come on, mate!"

But Remus had already closed his eyes, and his grip on the piece of cloth loosened. Sirius shook him a bit.

"Remus! You've got stay awake! Stay with me, Remus! Remus!"

Sirius shook him again, but Remus did not react.

"Oh please no, no, don't leave me, Remus… You can't die. Not here, not now… We're only fifteen, for Merlin's sake! Besides, what would the Marauders become without Moony, eh? You've got to fight, Remus!" he shouted, shaking his friend's limp body. His throat tightened and he felt a burning sensation in the corner of his eyes, which he tried very hard to ignore. "Remus, _please_…"

He stared at his friend's strangely calm face. He let his fingers wander on it once more, tracing the contour of Remus' eyebrows, nose, mouth… He could not bear to see the eyes shut. They had to be open. He wanted those golden-brown suns to look back at him with a sparkle in them as the lips stretched into a smile; the way Remus always looked at him. He had to keep Remus awake, no matter what it took. But he was running out of ideas, and nothing he had done so far seemed to have any effect whatsoever.

"You can't leave us, Moony," he said as calmly as he could manage, stroking the part of Remus' forehead that was not hurt. "You can't leave _me_… I…I know James would feel jealous if he heard this, because I've known him for longer than I've known you, but you're special, Remus. You're not like everybody else. And I…I don't know how to explain it," he said in a barely audible whisper, looking away, "but there's just something about you that makes you stand out. I know you always feel like you're invisible and no one notices you, but to me there's no one like you. And if…if I didn't have this in my life anymore, I…I'm not sure I could stand it. You heard me, Remus? I…I need you to stay, OK?"

His eyes returned to his friend and he was surprised to meet Remus' gaze. True, he could barely see the pupils behind the half-shut eyelids, but at least they were opened now. And they were staring at him, just the way he had wanted them to, even though there was no smile to go with them. Remus' breathing was laboured and irregular.

"I…don't w–want to go…either…" he said, his voice broken with tears.

"So stay with me, mate, OK? I'll look after you. I'll even stay until Madam Pomfrey gets here if I have to, I don't care. I'll explain everything to her, and I'm sure she'll understand that I couldn't leave you on your own…"

"I'm scared, Sirius…"

"Me too, but you'll be alright, you'll see."

"I'm so c–c–cold…" Remus whispered, doing his best to stop his teeth from chattering too much. "I can't f–f–feel…my legs…or my stomach…"

"What if I tried to take you to the Hospital Wing? I don't know what time it is; you might have to wait for another hour like this."

"No! I can't move… You can't…c–c–carry me… It hurts…"

Sirius moved his left arm under Remus' neck to support his friend's head. "Hang in there, Remus, you'll be alright."

"I feel so tired…"

"No you can't sleep, Remus. Talk to me; keep talking to me!"

Remus closed his eyes again and Sirius reached for his friend's face, desperate for any form of contact that might keep him awake.

He could not get used to the pale cheeks. He did not want to get used to them. The mere idea of it made the blood race in his veins. This could not be; it simply could not be! He wanted to see those cheeks to redden again ever so slightly when Remus was embarrassed. He caressed the one that had not been slashed by the claws. The skin was so cold, and yet so soft, due to the smooth blond down that covered it. He desperately wanted them to be warm again. He wanted the lips to turn back to pink, instead of that horrible shade of blue they were now. He wanted them to part, uncovering the pink gums and the white teeth as a soft laugh came out of Remus' mouth. He wanted them to turn a darker shade of pink when Remus bit them when he was feeling nervous. He wanted them to be sticky because of the sugar quill Remus had just eaten.

He wanted to kiss them.

He froze as thet thought dawned on him. Had he really thought that? Yes, he had. Because he had been staring at those lips for the last few seconds, and had indeed felt the sudden urge to kiss them. And no matter what his brain might be screaming at that moment, it might be the only chance he would ever have, and that was all he cared about right now.

He gazed at his friend more intensely. If Remus opened his eyes again, he would not have to worry about stupid things like kissing him anymore. "Remus, wake up," he said tentatively, and yet not trying too hard.

Because, if Remus did open his eyes, then there was no way he would be able to kiss him at all. And he really wanted to. Taking his chance, he lowered his head toward Remus' and closed his eyes. He squeezed his eyes shut tightly for the few seconds it took before their lips touched, scared of seeing the open flesh from up close and being put off. He had almost expected to receive some kind of electric shock, to prove to him that what he was doing was very wrong indeed. But all he felt for the second that it lasted was Remus' soft but cold lips. They were so cold… Surely, if he pressed his on them for long enough, they would eventually get warmer, right? He planted another kiss on Remus' lips, imagining that they were not in the Shack on a freezing morning, but outside on the grounds, and they were bathed in sunlight, and it made Remus' hair and eyes glow. Once or twice, he even tried to picture himself kissing a girlfriend on the same grounds, in the exact same setting, but it did not work. It felt wrong and, somehow, he would always return to the image of Remus' face.

He gasped again. Remus' hand had grabbed the piece of cloth again. His eyes were slightly open and his brow furrowed, but he was not saying anything. Sirius stared back at him. His hand had not left his friend's cheek for the whole time, and he felt as though there was no way he could move it away now.

"Stay with me, Remus…" he whispered.

He moved his face closer to his friend's once more, ready to plant another shy kiss on Remus' lips, but he changed his mind halfway through. When their lips touched, the kiss turned into a much hungrier one than before. It was a _real_ kiss, and he meant it. Maybe more than any other kiss he had given before. And when he was about to withdraw his lips again, he decided to leave them where they were, because, really, it was much nicer and felt so right; so much better than on their own.

And the magic happened when Remus responded to the kiss, a few seconds later. Slowly, very slowly, his lips parted to welcome Sirius in, and the latter even felt his friend's neck stretching upwards ever so slightly to meet him. Their tongues tangled shortly afterwards, and to both of them it felt as though this was the most tender kiss they had received; the most tender and perfect one they would ever receive.

Careful not to hurt him, Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus again and brought him closer, as close to him as possible, both boys losing themselves in what seemed to them the most meaningful embrace of their lives so far.


	2. THE SPACE BETWEEN 02

**Disclaimer**: I wish it was all mine, but Harry Potter and everything that comes with it belong to JK Rowling, Warner Brothers, Bloomsbury and other publishers.

**A/N**: In this chapter, Sirius tries to make things right following what happened during _that_ night in the Shack, but Remus is not helping at all.

* * *

CHAPTER TWO

**WHERE DO WE STAND NOW?**

When the time came for Madam Pomfrey to collect Remus, he was asleep, and by then, Sirius was not so afraid of him dying anymore. But he did remain until the end, like he had said he would, changing back into Padfoot and hiding behind the sofa as soon as he heard her coming through the trap door. He only got out of the Shack once he was sure that she had gone back to the Hospital Wing. He had to fight hard against the urge to go to check on Remus immediately, and ran all the way up to Gryffindor Tower, using secret passages so no one would see him. It was not seven o'clock yet and everybody was still in bed, which allowed him to change back into himself at the very last moment. He whispered the password and jumped through the hole so quickly that the Fat Lady did not even have time to rub her eyes and see him. He ran to the bathroom and took a long hot shower to soothe his sore body and tended to the few cuts, before walking into the dormitory where Peter and James were still sleeping. He decided to get ready as if nothing had happened and made sure to open his bed and mess up the sheets.

When James woke up, he looked at his friend and ran a hand through his dishevelled hair. "What are you doing up?"

"Couldn't sleep anymore."

"When did you come back? I didn't hear you."

"Erm… Around two o'clock I think, because he...the wolf became a bit too nervous for me to handle on my own. You guys were sleeping like babies and didn't even stir."

"Oh, right… So, how did it go?"

"Fine, I told you!"

James suddenly sat up in his bed and frowned when he saw his best friend wincing as he stood up. Then it occurred to him that the other boy was doing his best to avoid the subject. "Sirius, you're hurt—"

"It went OK, James. It's nothing and it's not the first time it happened!" the latter said, sending him one of his dazzling smiles.

And honestly, what could James say to that?

They got dressed, had breakfast and ran to the Hospital Wing. Sirius could feel his heart doing tremendous summersaults in his chest. He was scared of facing Remus again, but eager at the same time, like always. Maybe more eager than usual, though. However, Madam Pomfrey did not let them in. She said Remus had had an extremely rough night and some of the wounds were very serious. She added that he was too weak and that they would only be allowed to see him one by one later on in the day, which only made the three boys even more depressed.

"I thought you said it went OK," James whispered, casting a suspicious look at his friend as they made their way back towards the Great Hall.

"It did… At least as long as I was there."

"Maybe it happened after you left," Peter ventured. "Was he quite violent towards you?"

"Not really…"

"But he hurt you," James insisted.

"I know he did," Sirius sighed. "But I got scratched before. No, it wasn't too bad."

"It must have made a difference when you left, and so he took it out on himself… I hope he's OK."

"So do I," said James.

_I know what happened_, Sirius thought, suddenly feeling extremely guilty. _I know why the wounds are so bad. It's because I was there. When he sent me behind the sofa, I stopped being Padfoot while I was unconscious. I turned into a human again. And the wolf knew it. I'm sure he could sense me, smell me. And yet he did not manage to get to me. So it drove him crazy…_

The three hours of lessons they had that morning turned into an awfully dull blur for Sirius. He could barely remember a single word the teachers said, even though he mechanically scribbled down a rather substantial amount of notes. He was feeling nauseous all day and barely ate at lunchtime. James swallowed his starter, main course, dessert and drink as quickly as he could, before rushing to the Hospital Wing. He was going first, then Peter would go next during a free period he had while the other two boys were in Divination, and Sirius would go straight after dinner.

Said dinner nearly came back up while he was waiting in the corridor for Madam Pomfrey to open the big double doors. He was so nervous that he thought for a second his legs might not support him, but he found the strength to walk all the way to Remus' bed. He soon realised that he did not have much to worry about. Like James and Peter had said, Remus was indeed extremely weak and said virtually nothing during the whole time he was there. Whether he remembered anything about the previous night or not, Sirius did not know, but it seemed as though he did not.

It took Remus five whole days before he was strong enough to leave the Hospital Wing, and he never mentioned anything when Sirius visited him, even when it as just the two of them. Life went back to normal when he joined the other three boys in Gryffindor Tower again. Well, it almost did… Although he tried to convince himself that he was imagining things, Sirius knew right away that Remus was not acting his usual way with him. He chatted and laughed with James and Peter, the way he always did, but he could not look Sirius in the eyes. Not once.

So he did remember…

More than once, Sirius tried to talk to him, but Remus was always too busy, he always had something else to do. And James always had things to do too, and for some reason they always had to involve Sirius. A week later, the situation had not improved at all. It was actually far worse because Remus was not even speaking to Sirius when the other two boys were not around. When they were all together, he acted normally, civilly. But whenever it was just the two of them, he immediately withdrew in his little shell, and there was nothing Sirius could do to reach him there.

One night, fed up of all this, Sirius knelt down in front of Remus in the Common Room, determined to get some things out of his chest.

"Remus?" he gently said, trying to pull the heavy book Remus had on his lap.

"I'm reading," Remus spat, slapping Sirius' fingers with the tip of his quill.

"Look, mate, there's something I want to talk about," Sirius added lower. "It won't take long, I promise."

"I've got to read this for tomorrow, Sirius."

"It'll be quick. You can come back to your book in a few minutes."

"Well I want to read this _now_," said Remus, removing the book from Sirius' grasp and shifting around on the armchair.

The latter sighed. Before he had time to say anything else, James came up to him and offered him a game of wizard chess. After glancing at Remus again and seeing that the boy obviously was not going to change his mind, Sirius let his shoulders drop and accepted. Sirius lost all three games they played because his attention was not focused on the game, but on the light-haired boy sitting by the fireplace, who was doing his best to avoid him.

"Sirius, what's wrong, mate? You've never lost three games in a row! Are you sure you're even _looking_ at the board?"

"I've got things on my mind…"

"Like what? Planning which girl you're going to try next?" James asked, winking at Peter, who chuckled.

Sirius did not think it was funny. Not at all. As he looked away, towards the fireplace, he realised the armchair was now empty. He looked at the staircase just in time to see Remus disappear on his way up to their dormitory.

He got up and spoke so fast that he could barely remember his own words. "You know what, I don't feel like playing anymore tonight. I'd love to have a shower before going to bed, so why don't you play with Peter?"

"OK, whatever…"

Sirius ran across the room and up the stairs. He walked into the dormitory and locked the door behind him, adding a quick silencing charm, before proceeding towards Remus' bed. The latter was putting the book back in his trunk. He looked up at Sirius, then at the door and frowned.

"That was quick," Sirius said scornfully. "Didn't know you could read so fast."

Remus stood up and sighed. "What do you want?"

"I just want to talk to you, Remus…"

"I don't have time."

"You _never_ have time anymore!" Sirius burst out, the silencing charm allowing him not to worry about the volume of his voice. "You're always too busy these days; always ignoring me; avoiding me as much as you can!"

Remus did not say anything. He did not need to. His eyes said it all.

"Ever since…_that_ night," Sirius added.

"Don't!" the other boy interrupted. "I don't want to talk about it."

"But we _have_ to! Because that's where the problem is, isn't it? I can't go on like this, Remus. I don't want you to feel uncomfortable around me. It's a miracle James and Peter haven't noticed anything yet. Please, whatever you have on your mind, tell me…"

Remus walked right up to him. His words were barely more than a whisper, even though he had guessed about the silencing charm, and his soft breath caressed Sirius' cheeks. "You know exactly what happened. _You_ kissed me, Sirius. _You_ got us into this mess, so don't come crying and pretending that _I'm_ the one who started it."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

Remus did not reply once more and walked back to his bed to arrange Merlin-knows-what that was not in the exact position he wanted it to be. Anything so he would not have to stay face to face with Sirius.

"So what, now you're afraid to stay alone with me because you're afraid I might snog you again?" Sirius said, unable to keep his voice down.

"You never know…"

"Why are you saying this? How—How _can_ you say this?"

Remus swiftly turned around again, cheeks flushed and fists clenched. "Well I've seen you in action, haven't I? What a perfect opportunity it was for you, Sirius! There I was, so hurt and weak that I couldn't even stay awake! All you had to do was hold me in your arms and do whatever you wanted to me." He paused and the look he sent Sirius was the darkest one the other boy had even seen in those golden eyes. "Which you did."

Sirius was taken aback. "That's how you see it? That I took advantage of you? Remus, wait, you can't—"

Remus was now walking towards the door. Sirius tried to stop him but found himself pressed against the wall a matter of seconds later, a wand pointed straight at his face.

"I don't want to talk about it anymore, OK?" Remus said menacingly. "You've wasted enough of my time, Sirius. I have a _lot_ of catching up to do with my homework, thanks to _you_."

"What?"

"Yes, Sirius, thanks to you. Thanks to your brilliant idea of staying alone in the Shack to look after me! Too bad you were no match for the wolf and had to pass out and then drive it crazy with your scent. You know that's why my wounds were so bad; I saw it in your eyes straightaway."

And with that he left Sirius against the wall, opened the door and went back down to the Common Room.

- - -

Sirius spent the next couple of days acting the way he had during the previous week: pretending. Pretending that everything was fine in front of James and Peter, and trying not to get too upset at the way Remus was avoiding him the rest of the time. He found himself practicing his Quidditch moves a lot more than usual, because the pitch was one place where he did not have to worry about being alone with Remus. He had tried every corner of the Common Room, Library and Great Hall, but they were places Remus went to as well. James and Peter had apparently not noticed anything yet, but Sirius did not know how long he could go on like this.

It was nearly seven o'clock and the sun had nearly set. The torrential rain had soaked him to the bones but he did not care. Anything to keep him outside, away from Remus. He only noticed James when the latter flew right next to him.

"Sirius!" he shouted against the wind, "Stop now, mate, you're crazy! I've searched the entire castle for you and I couldn't believe you were out here! Let's get back inside."

Reluctantly, Sirius followed his friend back into the changing rooms and put his uniform back on after having thoroughly dried himself. When he came out of the showers, he noticed that James had brought some provisions with him.

"What's that for?" he asked, carelessly running the towel through his hair.

"I thought we could have a chat. And anyway, it's pouring right now and I don't want to get too soaked. Plus, I brought my cloak so it doesn't really matter what time we get back…"

Sirius let out a long sigh and sat down on one of the benches.

"Come on, mate," James went on, offering him a bottle of pumpkin juice he had just opened, "What's wrong?"

"Nothing's wrong."

James chuckled and sat closer to his friend. "You know you can't fool _me_, Black."

"Shut up, _Potter_," Sirius replied with a smile. It was nice to smile again.

He fell silent after a few seconds and stared at the bottle of pumpkin juice in his hands. Remus loved pumpkin juice. And Sirius always thought about him when he drank some. Except that, right now, thinking about Remus was possibly the last thing he wanted to do.

"What is it, Sirius?" James insisted, looking increasingly worried. He hated to see his friend feeling down, and truth was that he had never seen him so down in all these years. "Anything to do with your family?"

"No."

"You sure?"

"Yes."

"OK, that's one thing out of the way. Erm…trouble with school? Some teachers giving you a hard time?"

"No. School's fine. I've recently had some of my best grades," Sirius replied absentmindedly.

"Good for you."

"It's…something else," he finally confessed with a loud sigh, "but I really don't want to talk about it…"

"I see. Well since we've ruled out your parents as well as school, there's only one thing left." He paused for a few seconds and then asked with a raised eyebrow, "Anyone I know?"

"You could say that…" Sirius said with a bittersweet chuckle. "It's just a tricky situation and right now I can't see any way out of it," he added with a sigh.

"There's always a way out. Sooner or later. But if you allow me to suggest something, I'd say you should try to talk to that person. It always helps."

He winked at Sirius, and the latter could have sworn at that moment that his best friend knew everything. But he could not, it was not possible. Because for one thing, Sirius knew that he would have talked about it frankly and mentioned Remus' name. That was the good thing about being so close; they did not have to beat around the bush. But James did not know.

So, the following day, after much deliberation while in the shower after yet another solitary Quidditch practice, Sirius decided to follow James' advice and try to talk to Remus again.

The brown-haired boy was sitting in a rather empty corner of the Common Room, his nose buried in an old Potions book. Sirius knew he still had not managed to catch up with all the assignments they had been handed, and some teachers were showing no mercy. But tonight, Remus clearly was not as focused on writing his Potions essay as he should have been. He kept crossing out things he had just written, checking the same page three times in a row, scratching his head and sighing. More than once, he glanced over at Sirius, who was sat by the fireplace, discussing the coming match against Ravenclaw with James, but always withdrew his gaze after only a second.

Then Lily Evans climbed through the portrait hole and James suddenly abandoned Sirius without a warning, ready to show off once in the hope he might draw her attention. It was the same thing almost every evening… Except that Sirius was actually glad for once, because it gave him the perfect opportunity. Remus had just closed his books and was holding his head in his hands. Sirius knew this gesture very well. It was the one that meant Remus was stuck in whatever he was doing.

It was now or never.

He abandoned his seat—Peter, who was himself focusing hard on a Transfiguration assignment, did not notice—and walked towards Remus' table.

"Remus…?" he timidly asked.

"What?" the other boy sighed. But it was not an angry sigh; it was the characteristic sigh of frustration coming from a student who had had enough and had decided to give up on his essay for a while.

Sirius bent over the table so only Remus could hear his words. "Can we—can we talk? It won't take long, I promise. And we can go in the dormitory because James is busy with Evans and Peter's working on his Transfiguration assignment."

Remus stared at the fireplace for a few seconds, seemingly debating his friend's offer. Then he sighed, grabbing his quill and inkpot. "All right then, let's go."

He gathered his books and pieces of parchment and followed Sirius. He did not say anything as they climbed the spiral staircase, which it gave Sirius the opportunity to try to organise the thoughts in his head. However, when they reached the door to their dormitory, he was just as confused as before, possibly even more. He stepped into the room and let Remus walk over to his bed to put his books down while placing the same charms on the door. When the latter turned around and faced him again, Sirius was standing in the middle of the room, scratching his head in embarrassment.

Remus smiled sadly and sat down on his bed, his hands resting on his lap. He looked tired but he still smiled. "I know you well, Sirius Black. Now you want to talk to me because you want to put an end to this awkwardness between us, but you don't know what to say. Am I right?"

"You're not mad at me anymore?" Sirius said, surprised by the other boy's gentle tone.

"I'm…sorry for the way I reacted last time. I must have given you a real fright."

"Well, I was pretty surprised, yes. I never suspected you might raise your wand at me like that…"

"I wouldn't have done anything, you know that, right?"

"Yes, of course," Sirius answered awkwardly, taking a few steps towards Remus' bed but stopping halfway again.

"I just—I had to get away, I was angry. I'm sorry…"

Sirius finally worked up the courage to walk all the way to the bed and sit on it. "I'm sorry too, Remus." The two boys fell silent again and Sirius kept shifting uncomfortably on the bed until he decided to speak again. "D'you remember saying that…that I had…used you…?"

Remus simply nodded, looking down, and Sirius swallowed hard.

"You didn't really mean it, did you? I mean, come on, Remus, you can't really think I'd do that, can you?"

Remus slowly shook his head. "I'm confused, Sirius. What happened that night then? I…I always thought you fancied girls… How long has it been—"

"Wow, wow, wow! Hang on, what are you talking about?"

"You _kissed_ me, Sirius," Remus said with an eyebrow raised.

The dark-haired boy got up again and started pacing the room, nervously running his hand through his hair. "I…I can't explain what happened, Remus. But you must understand one thing, he said hurriedly, facing his friend again. "I _don't_ fancy guys, and it's not like I've had a secret crush on you for years, OK?"

"So what happened? Because I know I didn't imagine it…"

It was Sirius' turn not to reply this time. He stopped pacing, his eyes jumping back and forth between his friend's face and the floor. No matter how faint the scars were now, thanks to Madam Pomfrey's care and Remus' healing powers, in his mind he could still see the gashes on the forehead and the neck. He could still see Remus' blood all over his own hands and on the floor too.

All because of him.

He took a deep breath and looked up at the ceiling. The mere memory of the state Remus had been in was too much. It had been a couple of weeks but it was still so horribly vivid in his mind... Every single night, he woke up in a sweat, and when he closed his eyes again it was as though the images were printed inside his eyelids.

Sirius was not used to the feelings that were overcoming him all at once. He was extremely uncomfortable a bit too hot, his hands were sweaty, his stomach kept lurching and his heartbeat seemed to be all over the place. Come to think of it, his throat felt a bit too tight, and there was also this weird stinging feeling in the corners of his eyes.

_Oh, for Merlin's sake, you're not going to cry, on top of everything else!_

No, of course he was not going to. He cleared his throat and did his best to clear his mind at the same time. There were things he needed to say; things he had to get out of his system. He had to explain everything, because, surely, then it would all make sense, wouldn't it?

Remus was still standing by his own bed, arms crossed, frowning, waiting for Sirius to get out of his trance. He was also feeling rather ill-at-ease but he relaxed a little when the other boy started pacing the room again. And he noticed Sirius was pacing rather frantically.

"I…I didn't know what to do; you were there on the floor, pale and cold, and there was _so muc_h blood… I was trying to do everything I could to keep you awake and warm, but nothing seemed to work. I couldn't let you fall asleep, because I knew you might never wake up. And I couldn't have that! D'you understand, Remus? I _couldn't_ have that!"

He stopped walking again when he said so, turning towards Remus. He was now panting and seemed to have completely lost control of his emotions. And yet Remus could tell he was trying hard. But the tense jaw and shaky hands betrayed the brave front he as trying to pull to preserve his pride. Remus was no longer mad at Sirius, but even if it had still been the case, he could not have stood there doing nothing. Sirius was Mr Cool; he never got in such a state for anything.

Remus walked up to him and gently grasped both his arms. "Sirius, calm down," he said in a soothing tone.

But the other boy freed himself from his grasp and walked away, scratching his head uncomfortably once again. He could feel the tears coming up but there was _no_ _way_ he was going to cry in front of his friend. Maybe if he blinked as much as possible now that he had his back turned to Remus…

But Remus caught up with him and grabbed him firmly by the shoulder this time. Despite his own personal turmoil inside, he tried to compose himself and used a much more commanding tone than before. "Sirius, _calm down_! I'm fine now; look at me, I'm fine!"

Sirius had no choice but to face his friend. His eyes first fell on the pale scar that ran along Remus' neck and then the one on his forehead. But when Remus grabbed hold of his face to force Sirius to look him in the eyes, everything fell into place. The golden brown eyes showed him nothing but kindness, understanding and other emotions he had never seen in them before. Panting, he tried to fight the urge with all his might, keeping his clenched fists by his side and biting the inside of his cheeks as hard as he could, but it was eventually too much. And he knew Remus would not make fun of him. Without the slightest warning, he wrapped his arms around his friend and held him in a close embrace, his upper body shaken by violent sobs.

"There was…so much blood," he repeated, his words broken by his tears, "And I knew it was my fault. I didn't know what to do. And I was so afraid you were—" His voice died in his throat and he had to swallow hard before he could speak again. "I was so afraid you were going to die. I couldn't let you die, Remus…"

Remus' entire body went rigid when Sirius hugged him. That was possibly the last thing he was expecting from his friend. That and the tears, of course. He remained completely still for a few seconds, but it all ultimately got to him and his throat tightened when he felt Sirius's warm tears rolling down his own face.

Sirius Black crying, in his arms? It had to be a dream… This could not be true. Maybe he had finally fallen asleep on his Potions essay and he would just wake up to find his face stuck to his piece of parchment. Yes, that seemed a lot more likely than the present situation. But then, the grasp of Sirius' arms around his shoulders felt so real. Surely, even the most realistic dream could not feel like this. And anyway, why would he be dreaming about this? He never usually had dreams about anything to do with real life.

He did not say anything and slowly let his arms slide around Sirius' waist, burying his face in the other boy's neck for a few seconds, just to try and clear his mind. "Sirius," he said very slowly, his head still propped against Sirius' shoulder, "I'm not mad at you anymore. I'm sorry I ever was…" He swallowed hard and finally dared to look up, meeting a pair of deep blue eyes flooded with tears. He bit the inside of his cheek and looked away for a few seconds. "I…I was afraid you'd used me for some kind of sick experiment of yours. And I was mad at _myself_ too, for being so weak back then that I couldn't stop you. With my condition, I must always be in control, do you understand? And if I lose this control, then I panic. I'm sorry, Sirius… Do you forgive me?"

"I did it because I thought I was losing you," Sirius said, cupping Remus' jaw with both hands. "I really thought you were going to die, right there, in my arms. So I…I kissed you goodbye…"

Remus, as hard as he had tried so far, did not manage to hold back his tears any longer. He freed himself from Sirius' hold and looked down, in an attempt to conceal his tears, or at least just a little bit.

When he spoke, his words came out slowly and almost carefully. "I kissed you back because I…I didn't want to die… I wanted to hang on to life, and you were the life around me. You were there for me and I…I was so cold, and weak, and hurt, and afraid. But it seemed as though life was coming back to me through…through your lips. I had to hang on; I didn't want to go…"

Sirius silenced him by holding him close again and running his hand through the dirty-blond hair. They remained in this tight embrace for maybe a minute, letting tears roll down their cheeks and silently comforting each other. Once the sobs had finally stopped, they broke apart as if from a common unspoken accord, although reluctantly. Remus wiped his face on his sleeve and Sirius turned around to do the same, thus preserving _some_ of their dignity.

"Look at us," he said after a few seconds, "crying like a bunch of chicks!"

Remus chuckled, making sure once more that he had wiped away any trace of tears.

"Are we OK again, then?" Sirius then asked after a while.

"Yep, we are. It was just—"

"On the spur of the moment," Sirius finished, nodding, and Remus smiled.

"Please promise me one thing, Sirius. Don't let it happen again, OK? I mean…don't stay with me on your own. I don't want to go through this again…"

"It won't happen again," Sirius said with a reassuring smile. "It was just a one-off. We kissed and that's…that's it. Doesn't mean we're gay or anything!"

"Of course not!"

Both boys fell silent once more as their eyes moved down towards their shoes, and this time it was Remus' turn to run his hand through his hair in a slightly awkward way.

"Look I…I should run to the Library to find a better manual for that damn Potions essay. I'll…I'll see you later, OK?"

"Sure. And erm, since it's my fault that you're so behind with everything, if you ever felt like copying what I've done, or at least having a look at it to get ideas—"

"I know. Thanks."

Remus turned around and took a step towards the door, but then stopped. He rushed back towards Sirius and held him close for a few seconds, murmuring a warm, "Thank you for everything, Sirius," in his ear. Then he grabbed his quill and inkpot, as well as a piece of parchment, and rushed out of the door.


	3. THE SPACE BETWEEN 03

**Disclaimer**: I wish it was all mine, but Harry Potter and everything that comes with it belong to JK Rowling, Warner Brothers, Bloomsbury and other publishers.

**A/N**: In this chapter, Sirius tries to come to term with his feelings and discovers that love can be _such_ a complicated thing when the object of your affection happens to be a young werewolf.

* * *

CHAPTER THREE

**THAT'S VERY WELL, BUT WHAT ABOUT ME?**

Days slowly went by, turning into weeks, and everything went back to normal between Sirius and Remus. James and Peter had somehow remained completely oblivious to everything that had happened, and the other two boys did not feel like saying anything. It was just between them; they had solved it without ruining their friendship and thought that it should be left there. They had silently agreed not to talk about what had happened anymore, be it the night in the Shack, the subsequent argument, or the evening they had finally worked things out.

Remus seemed to be doing much better ever since 'the talk'; as if an actual physical weight had been taken off his shoulders. He seemed a lot more cheerful, even around James and Peter. And when he was on his own with Sirius, it was just like old times.

Or maybe not…

Something had changed; something Sirius could not precisely point out. But it was not in a bad way. If the two of them had been close friends before, a new kind of complicity seemed to have found its place somewhere in their relationship. Much stronger than what was between Sirius and Peter, and radically different from what he had with James. Peter was a friend and James was a brother. But what was Remus now?

Sometimes, Sirius felt utterly confused. Yes, of course, it was fantastic to be friends again with Remus, and it was even better to know that maybe the events that night had brought them closer than before. But at times, somehow, it did not feel so right. As if it was too much or not enough. He knew what he had said about that night being a one-off, and he had thought about it for a very long time, but occasionally, it felt as though he was not even being honest with himself. He could lie—or at least not tell the whole truth—to Remus, but he could not lie to himself. No matter how many times he tried to hammer the fact that it-was-a-mistake-and-it-wouldn't-happen-again in his head, it still did not feel right.

So, after a while, he went back to pretending again. Pretending that everything was fine between him and Remus; pretending that one of his best friends had not suddenly become so important in his eyes that he cast a shadow over everybody else; pretending that his feelings for Remus were not changing into something he could not quite describe…

And, of course, the hardest part about it all was that Remus was being more loveable than ever towards him. If acting sometimes all flirty was his way of dealing with what had happened, then Sirius decided that it was a _very_ strange one.

And he was not the only one who had noticed a change in Remus' behaviour. It seemed that James had finally taken his blinkers off.

"Sirius…" he asked one evening after Quidditch practice, while they made their way back to the castle, "have you noticed anything funny about Remus?"

"Why d'you ask _me_? How should _I_ know?" Sirius said, unable to tone down his reaction.

"Well, I don't know… A couple of weeks ago he seemed so silent, and lately he's been…a lot more cheerful than I've ever seen him, I think."

"So?" Sirius asked, raising an eyebrow. "You know how bad his last transformation went," he added much lower, "You should be glad that he's feeling upbeat again. I would have thought he'd be dreading the coming one."

James frowned. "Yeah, you're right. We're less than a week away now; he should be a bit twitchier, more aggressive…"

Sirius remained silent, looking down at his feet. James looked at the castle uncomfortably.

"But, erm, you seem to…spend a lot of time together these days…" he said hesitantly.

Sirius' heart stopped and he looked at his best friend. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"That's what I'm asking you… I mean, are _we_ OK, Sirius? Have I done anything wrong?" he asked, frowning.

Sirius stopped walking and let out a sigh of relief. "Of course we are!" he said with a grin. "You know very well that I'd tell you if there was anything wrong!"

"Sorry… It was pretty stupid, I know. I just thought that…maybe I'd been spending too much time chasing after Lily Evans in vain, and I'd been neglecting you. Maybe you wanted a new best friend or something."

"Now, that is _very_ stupid, James Potter!" Sirius said, patting James' back. "Listen, even though I do think you're wasting your time chasing after her, there's a big difference between you and Remus, mate. Remus is a friend. You're my brother. You're more of a brother to me than Regulus ever will be, always remember that…"

James chuckled and blushed ever so slightly, looking down. "I'm sorry I doubted you." There was a pause. "Anyway, d'you reckon he's got a secret girlfriend then?" he then asked with a wink.

"I don't know!" Sirius replied, shrugging. "Maybe he does…" he added, turning his gaze towards Gryffindor Tower and wondering where Remus was at that instant.

That thought did not leave his mind all evening and he spent a dreadful night. Somehow, it had not crossed his mind that Remus could indeed be fine with what had happened; that he could have moved on in just a few weeks; that he might have a _girl_friend. These days, for Sirius, all that mattered was Remus and he could not even remember the last girl he had planned to date, when there had been times when barely a week went by before he could be seen with a new girl at his side. He barely slept all night and his friends did not fail to notice it the following day.

Then it was the 'time of the month' again—as they now jokingly called it—and Sirius had never dreaded it that much in three years. He was afraid things might go wrong again; he was afraid James would leave him to handle it alone and screw things up; he was afraid to have to control the wolf and hurt Remus; he was afraid to fail his friend again.

Remus sensed it and took him apart in a corner of the Common Room in the evening, shortly before making his way to the Shrieking Shack.

"Sirius, stop worrying so much. You know what you have to do."

Of course he knew. He was not allowed to stay alone with the wolf again. But if James and Peter chickened out like the previous month, he knew he probably would not go back to the castle with them.

"As long as last month's events don't happen again, I'll be fine. Promise me you won't let it happen, Sirius."

Sirius bit his lip and looked down for a few seconds. "I promise," he mumbled, knowing very well that, even though he would try very hard not to, he might break that promise.

"When the first rays of moonlight touch me and the transformation starts," Remus added much lower, "I'll think about our friendship and how much it means to me…"

Sirius' chest heaved and he bit the inside of his cheek before smiling warily.

Of course, everything went smoothly that time. Padfoot's heart pounded frantically in his chest as he ran up the stairs to find the wolf. It was in one of the first rooms, curled up in a corner, and looked as though it had been waiting for him. Maybe Remus' idea had worked after all, but Padfoot did not run into the room the way he might have done before. Remembering the way the wolf had gone from playful to dangerous without him noticing, this time he was ready to run back at any moment if he needed to.

The wolf did not move, his yellow eyes locked on him at all time, and Padfoot did not know what to do. He remembered that he should not do anything that might provoke the wolf and cause him to attack, but what would a dog do?

_Maybe I should have spent some time trying to research that instead of wasting so many days thinking about stupid things…_

For lack of any better idea, he sat down by the door and waited. After a few seconds, the wolf slowly got up, sniffing, and made his way towards Padfoot. Every single muscle in the dog's body was tense, ready for escape. But when the wolf stopped a few feet away from him, sat down and let out a low and rather friendly growl, Padfoot relaxed and the dog equivalent of a sigh escaped his mouth. After remaining still for a few more seconds—just to make sure that the wolf was not going to suddenly snap and hit him—he got up and made his way down the corridor towards the stairs, the wolf on his tail.

They took it out of the Shack, into the Forest for a few hours and then back again. Even though Padfoot would have done it gladly, they did not stay the entire night and returned to the castle around three in the morning. The following day was a Friday and they had to sleep at least a few hours before the morning lessons. Without Remus, all three of them had to make efforts to take notes.

The following day, every time Poppy bowled over how few wounds Remus had compared to usual, the latter kept glancing at Sirius with sparkling eyes. Before they left the Hospital Wing, he caught Sirius' sleeve and kept him for a few extra seconds.

"It worked!" he said with an enormous grin.

"I know."

"How did it go? Be honest with me, Sirius."

"It went perfectly OK. I went in there and it didn't give me any trouble. I swear."

"I thought about you just before I transformed," Remus said sleepily, lying back against his pillows.

Sirius felt a warm sensation in his stomach that he did not remember experiencing before, and found himself voiceless.

"I'll have to do it again if it works…"

Sirius smiled and made his way towards the door, trying his best to ignore the way Remus' word were hammering in his head. The latter was allowed back in the dormitory after a couple of nights and everything went back to normal once more.

Days went by, and the only thought on Sirius' mind was that he was an excellent actor, for no one appeared to have noticed how weird he was feeling all the time. To him, it seemed that every single gesture or word betrayed what he was trying to bury deep down inside, and he could barely stand to look at his own reflection.

- - -

Even though June meant that the end of the year was drawing closer and closer, there was the significant detail of the OWLs they had to take before that. After two years of going nearly insane because of the way revisions were handled, Remus and Peter had decided to tutor James and Sirius. They had decided to form pairs, the condition being that James and Sirius would not be in the same one, of course. And Peter chose to be with James.

Although he knew perfectly well that it was just about revisions and he should not get too excited about it, Sirius preferred telling himself that maybe Fate had decided to become clement with him for once by allowing him to be paired with Remus. Revising the way he usually did with James meant spending your entire time doing something completely different, and then spending the last couple of days and nights in the Common Room trying to hammer as many facts as possibly into your brain—which, to be honest, never really worked.

Revising with Remus, on the other hand, involved _hours_ spent in the library doing background reading. And even though it was far from being Sirius' favourite place in the castle—especially when the weather was so nice and he could be out on the Quidditch pitch—he did not mind. Because, if he was careful enough, he could stare at Remus at his leisure, while the other boy's nose was buried deep in a book. And there were also all the instances when Remus stood behind him and leaned over to point out or explain particular passages, sending terrible yet delicious shivers down his spine every single time.

And then the incident happened.

One day right after lunchtime, both boys were standing between two bookshelves, gathering as many books as they could to be put aside for them. Remus, a piece of parchment and a quill in his hands, was telling Sirius which books to pick, according to the list he had made; Sirius was merely obeying and putting them into a pile on the table. But after a while, Remus decided that Sirius was not fast enough so he walked over to the bookshelf and decided to lend him a helping hand. They reached for the same book and their hands bumped into each other. Blushing, Remus tried to move his away as swiftly as possible, but Sirius gently grabbed his wrist and lowered it to eye level.

How many times had he studied those hands from the distance? He knew every inch of skin, every line, every scar… Very slowly, he let his index finger run along a particular one that had caught his attention, which ran right across the veins. Remus' entire body tensed up and he closed his eyes, sinking his teeth into his bottom lip to stop himself from gasping. Meanwhile, the tip of Sirius' fingers went back and forth across his wrist.

"I had never noticed that one," he said very softly, examining it very intently. "Looks pretty bad."

"It always looks…worse than it is," Remus managed to whisper.

"Doesn't it impair your movements at all?"

"No."

Both boys looked up at the same time, golden-brown eyes drowning themselves in deep blue ones, or the other way round, depending from where you stood. Sirius was still holding on to Remus' wrist, and he slowly brought it closer his chest, holding the hand properly and not just the wrist, entwining his fingers with Remus' as if to make sure that he would not go away. He looked down into the two golden ponds fixed on him, and suddenly the world around him was just a big blur and did not matter anymore. There were no bookshelves, no students, no Madam Pince, even no Hogwarts. It was just him and Remus, alone in the world.

And then he knew. What he had been feeling for the past couple of weeks was not just a crazy phase. Because right now, something inside him was reacting to the way Remus was looking at him, his breathing somewhat louder than usual and lips slightly parted. And suddenly, those lips felt as tempting as they had _that_ night. True, the circumstances were completely different, but he recognised the feeling. He fought the urge for a few seconds, remembering what trouble it had got him into last time. But then he could have sworn that he saw Remus' face moving ever so slightly towards his, and he felt Remus' fingers tightening around his. He took a deep breath and leaned forward an inch or two.

But Fate decided to break the magic before anything happened when someone dropped a book right on the other side of the shelf, making both boys jump. Sirius let go of Remus' hand. And the other boy returned to his list.

"I think we've got enough now. I'll ask Madame Pince to put them aside so we can collect them tonight. I'll…see you in a minute."

He grabbed the quill, parchments and books—even though there were slightly too many for him to carry on his own—and disappeared behind a bookshelf. Sirius wanted to run after him, but he knew better than to make a scene in the middle of the library, so he went back to get his bag and headed for next lesson. It seemed quite clear to him that Remus had not meant for him to wait for his return.

But by the time the evening came, Sirius could not bear it any longer. He could feel the old awkwardness slowly creeping up between them and he was determined not to let it settle there. When they went to the Great Hall for dinner and he noticed that Remus seemed to be avoiding his eyes again, he knew he had to act, and act quickly.

The perfect opportunity came along when James and Peter ran to the library for another few hours in order to use some books that they desperately needed but had been taken out for the day by other students. Sirius wondered why it was that he only seemed to be given perfect opportunities like that when he needed to have difficult talks with Remus, when he would have liked nothing more but an extra minute earlier on in the library.

Now that the other two boys had left, he needed to find some way to lure Remus upstairs and confront him, knowing the other boy most probably would want to avoid the subject to start with. He stared at the book in front of him, his eyes wandering over the words but not making them out at all. He frowned.

That was it. Of course, it was so simple!

He got up, grabbed the book and walked towards Remus, who was curled up in an armchair the way he liked to while reading.

He knelt down and smiled the way he would have done before all this happened. "Hey, there's a whole passage here I don't get, my notes are a real mess and it's way too noisy here. D'you think maybe we could go upstairs for a bit of peace and quiet?"

Remus eyed him rather suspiciously for a second. "You're still revising? Even _I've_ stopped!"

Sirius swallowed hard and did his best to keep smiling. "What can I say; you've turned me into a hard-working student!"

Remus' eyes narrowed a bit more, as if he was trying to search into Sirius' what this unusual behaviour was about. "OK…" he said with a shrug.

Sirius ran to his table to grab his things and when he turned around again, he realised Remus had already gone. He made his way up the stairs, trying his best not to think about what he was about to do. The last time he had tried, it had not led him anywhere and he had been just as confused as before, so why should he bother?

When he pushed the door open with his foot and stepped into the dormitory, he noticed that Remus was standing by his bed, looking at the floor.

"Look, I really don't know what happened back there…" he said right away.

There was an awkward pause and when he looked up and saw Sirius staring at him with a raised eyebrow, he gasped. The other boy was carrying all his books and notes in his arms. Terror appeared on Remus' face.

"Oh…you hadn't brought me here to talk about that…" he said miserably, collapsing on his bed and holding his head in his hands.

The other boy stood in the middle of the dormitory, biting his lip. "Actually, I…I had… But I didn't think _you'd_ want to."

"I'm so messed up," Remus moaned from behind his hands. "Those two months will be a blessing; I need time alone to think about everything that's happened lately."

_Time away from me_, Sirius thought with a lump in his throat.

"Remus, we need to talk about this. I don't want to let it get out of hand like last time. We've been through this before; we can do it again."

"I don't want it either, but I don't know what to say to make it better…"

Sirius put his books on his bed and went to sit by his friend—who, he noticed, moved away ever so slightly. He took a deep breath and looked up at the ceiling, as if looking for inspiration. "I want you to tell me something. When we were in the library earlier on, did you…did you want to…kiss me?"

Even though he had been expecting that question, Remus' eyes widened in shock. "Why are you asking me this?"

"Don't think about it and just answer my question."

Remus shifted uncomfortably on the bed, his eyes now firmly locked on his hands. "I told you, I don't know what happened and I—"

"Remus, that's not what I asked. Did you, or did you not, want to kiss me back there?" Sirius asked as gently as possible.

Remus, who had been panting until then, gasped softly. "I did…" he breathed, his eyes moving upwards again and staring at Sirius, who did not fail to see the look of utter terror in them.

"Don't be scared," he said, holding out a hand slowly and placing it on the other boy's forearm. "It's alright."

Remus frowned and tried to move his arm away. "How can it be alright? Last month I screamed at you for what happened in the Shack, and now I—" He did not manage to finish his sentence and looked down again, sighing.

"It's all right because…I wanted it too…"

Remus gasped again and his eyes returned to Sirius' face to check whether he was joking or not. Surely, he had to, even if it was an extremely cruel and sick joke. But when he looked up, he did not see the usual grin on his friend's face. In fact, Sirius was probably looking more solemn than Remus had seen him in a long time.

"I can't help it," Sirius went on. "I think about it all the time. I try to remember what it feels like and all I can think about is the fact that I want to do it again. And now that my wildest dream has come true and that I know you want it too, I can't help thinking—"

Remus lifted a hand and stopped him. "I can't…"

Sirius frowned. "But you said—"

"I know what I said," Remus blurted out. "That doesn't mean I can."

He moved away from Sirius and went to rest his back against his pillow, his arms crossed over his chest.

"I don't understand…" Sirius said, slowly turning towards his friend. "Why not? You seem to want it, I know _I_ do; how much simpler can it be?"

"Please, drop it," Remus whispered with a sigh, looking away.

But Sirius was determined not to drop the subject. He climbed on the bed and knelt in front of Remus, who was now trapped between Sirius and the headboard. He did try to move away, but Sirius caught him by the wrist.

"Tell me."

"There's nothing to tell."

"You're not making any sense, Remus. One minute you say you want to, and the next one you change your mind and get back in your little shell!" He said the last part louder than he had intended to.

Remus frowned. "What if I like it in my shell?"

Sirius paused and looked at the way his friend was curled up against the headboard. "Why won't you let me near you?"

"I can't…"

Sirius leaned over so that his face was only inches away from Remus'. The other boy gasped and tried to look away, but Sirius held his chin and forced him to keep his head in place. His golden eyes were wide open from sheer terror.

"Don't be afraid of me, Remus," he whispered.

"I'm…I'm not afraid of _you_…"

The frown on Sirius' face deepened.

"I must stay in control, _always_," Remus went on. "I told you before."

"What's that got to do with it?"

Sirius' face was so close to Remus' now that that other boy thought his heart might stop beating or burst any second now. In any case, he did not think he could go on like this for much longer.

"Control is…all I have," he managed to mumble. "And I can't guarantee control over someone else…"

But Sirius did not want to listen. Holding Remus' face where it was with his hand, he crossed the invisible barrier between them that Remus was trying so hard to defend and planted a soft kiss on his lips. Nothing much; not the best kiss ever. But then he did not want to do anything that would cause Remus to be even more frightened than he already was. He simply wanted to show him what it was all about; what it could be all about…

A moan escaped Remus' lips and he recoiled further against the headboard—if such a thing was indeed possible. A soft sob escaped his lips. "Don't do this to me, please… If you ever were my friend, Sirius, don't do this to me."

Sirius leaned over again, knowing very well that Remus would not actually physically resist. The kiss was a little more insistent this time and he knew his brain was not making things up when he felt Remus reply ever so slightly. But once again he put an end to it all too soon.

"I can't," he said, clearly pushing Sirius away this time.

The other boy did not oppose the gesture and sat back on the mattress. "You know I would never do anything to hurt you."

Remus sighed impatiently and rolled his eyes. "How many times do I have to say it? It's not _you_ or anyone else that I'm scared of! It's _me_!"

"What?"

Remus let out a groan this time. "Haven't you learnt by now? It's what I might do if I let go that terrifies me! I can't let go, Sirius. And I can't let anyone come close to me, because of _what I am_!"

Sirius was starting to lose his temper. "It's only a minor part of you! One night per month hardly qualifies as _what_ you are!"

"It's there nonetheless and I must learn to deal with it."

"You can't be on your own forever."

"Werewolves lead lonely lives, everybody knows that," Remus whispered.

"But it doesn't have to be that way!"

"What other choice do I have?"

Sirius noticed with a lump in his throat that Remus' tone had gone from scared to resigned in a matter of seconds.

"You'll never know if you don't try."

"I can't. And there's nothing that can be done about it…"

Both boys fell silent for a few seconds. Remus was keeping his eyes firmly locked on his hands, while Sirius stared at him. He wished he could have known how to break the stupid shell Remus had built over the years, and show him that it did not have to be that way, no matter what he thought.

He shifted and threw his legs on the edge of the bed, ready to stand up. But before doing so, he turned towards Remus once last time. "One day," he said softly, placing a hand on the other boy's leg, "I hope you learn to let go. And when you finally do, I'll be there…"

_The Space Between_

_What's wrong and right_

_Is where you'll find me hiding, waiting for you_


	4. THE SPACE BETWEEN 04

**Disclaimer**: I wish it was all mine, but Harry Potter and everything that comes with it belong to JK Rowling, Warner Brothers, Bloomsbury and other publishers.

**A/N**: In this chapter, it's finally time to take the OWLs, the stress-level escalates and tempers flare.

There's one scene you're bound to recognise if you're read OotP. Although it's taken straight from the book, I've modified words here and there to make it fit my style better. No copyright infringement intended.

* * *

CHAPTER FOUR

**OWLs**

The following morning, Remus did not speak much to any of them. He got up first, went straight in the bathroom and drew the curtains around his bed until it was time for breakfast. When you shared a dormitory with three other boys, it was the only way to make them understand you wanted privacy. Sirius, James and Peter were used to it by then, but all three of them noticed that he only usually asked for privacy in the week before the full moon. Sirius resumed getting dressed and the other two boys were left exchanging inquisitive looks and shrugging once more.

"What's going on here?" James finally asked five minutes after they had settled for breakfast.

Both Remus and Sirius had remained practically silent since they had sat down. The former was munching on a piece of toast while Sirius played with his virtually untouched cereal.

"Have you two been fighting over revisions or something?"

Sirius looked at James, his eyes silently pleading him not to ask anything else.

"I think you could say that…" Remus replied slowly. "The idea I had isn't really working; I need to rethink it." He stared at his plate for a few seconds and when he looked up again, his eyes locked on Sirius' face. "You're excused for lunchtime today."

In normal circumstances, Sirius would probably have beamed. But he did not. He forced himself to smile before pushing his cereal to the side and grabbing a slice of toast instead. He was convinced Remus wanted to swap and be paired with James instead; it was so obvious. He wondered when the other boy would have the courage to admit it.

After lunchtime, Sirius found himself wandering the corridors alone. James and Peter had gone to the library and Remus back to the dormitory, allegedly to rethink his method. Sirius knew better than to trust everything Remus said these days, and after pacing up and down the same corridor three times, he made his way towards the Tower. He would not have much time before the next lesson, but he had decided not to let things like these linger anymore.

When he walked in the dormitory, he was surprised to see Remus on his bed surrounded by paper cards and books. He was expecting him to be sitting with his head in his hands, or maybe even lying down, with the curtains drawn. Remus looked up and chuckled. He rearranged the cards around him and put some in a pile.

"Don't ignore me again," Sirius pleaded.

"I'm not. I've been thinking a lot… I'm not going to ask Peter to swap with me, if that's what you're thinking. It would be too suspicious. Besides," he added, gathering more cards, "my speech at breakfast didn't mean anything. I know my method's good."

Sirius sat down on the corner of the bed that was not still covered with cards or books. "So what are you doing right now?"

"I'm making new cards."

"You're doing whatever you can think of to ignore and avoid me."

"That's not true! Look, I'm trying very hard not to think about it because the exams are coming. Is that so hard to understand? I won't let it mess up my hard work; I want to succeed and I want you to succeed too! Not only because I'm a prefect and it's expected of me, but because of how much it means to me to be in this school in the first place."

He pushed the cards aside and moved closer to Sirius, placing a hand on his forearm.

"Sirius, I need you to be my _friend_ right now. It can't all fall apart so close to the exams. Please don't do that to me. Then we'll have the holidays, and plenty of time to reflect on what we did wrong…" he said, suddenly looking full of hope.

_What we did wrong? I don't need two months to know what I want…_

"Sirius, please?"

"All right… But I can only be your friend if you do the same for me. That's not a one-way thing; it's about team work."

"I know that. Can we do it?" Remus asked, holding out a hand.

Sirius smiled despite everything and grabbed Remus' hand. "Of course we can."

With both of them making efforts, the last week of revision went by without a problem. There were a few awkward moments—like when Remus found himself having to squeeze past Sirius in the crowded library when most students realised it was high time they started revising—but neither of them made a fuss about it. Even though he could tell the other boy was growing bored and restless as the first exams approached, Remus carried on with his schedule.

As they sat for the first one, he felt confident that he had prepared Sirius well. He did not feel so positive about his own situation, though. He had never been under so much stress and those were the most important exams they had taken so far. He did not want to fail. He was aware of how difficult his professional life would be, and he wanted to make sure he was as ready for it as possible. Plus, he was going through a ludicrous amount of chocolate and sugar quills these days, which was far from good, even for a young stressed out werewolf.

By the time the exams were almost over, Nature seemed to remember that it was summertime and the weather became sunny and hot almost overnight. They had just finished their Defence Against the Dark Arts exam when, despite Remus' plea about the few Transfiguration points they did not all master, they decided to go out on the grounds to enjoy the sunshine.

"Did you like question ten, Moony?" Sirius asked as they emerged into the Entrance Hall.

_Moony_… He was still getting used to being called something else than 'Remus'. It had been Peter's idea that they should give themselves nicknames referring to their Animagi forms, like heroes in books would do. Remus had not been against it; James and Sirius had thought of it as another opportunity to show off, by using names no one but them would understand the meaning of. 'Moony' had been Sirius' idea, right away. It had taken them longer to find the others, but in the end they had agreed on 'Padfoot', 'Prongs' and 'Wormtail'. It had been good fun checking the other students' reactions when they first started using those names, but by now, no one paid attention anymore. Not that it stopped James and Sirius from using them all the time…

"Loved it," he said briskly. "_Give_ _five signs that identify the werewolf_. Excellent question."

"D'you think you managed to get all the signs?" James asked in tone of mock concern.

"I think I did," Remus said seriously, as they joined the crowd thronging around the front door eager to get out into the sunlit grounds. "One: he's sitting on my chair. Two: he's wearing my clothes. Three: his name's Remus Lupin."

Peter did not laugh with them and struggled to keep up. "I got the snout shape, the pupils of the eyes and the tufted tail," he said anxiously, "but I couldn't think what else—"

"How thick are you, Wormtail?" James said impatiently. "You run round a werewolf once a month—"

"Keep your voice down," Remus implored between gritted teeth.

"Sorry, mate!"

"Come on," Sirius said with a sigh, stretching. "Let's go down to the lake."

"Don't you think most people will want to go there?" Peter asked.

"Not if we beat them to it."

They walked down the lawn at a slightly quicker pace than most students—who were all too busy discussing their answers to various questions—and were glad to find that their favourite spot by the old beech tree was free. A group of girls were having a stroll by the lake but only James seemed to notice them.

"Well, I thought that paper was a piece of cake," Sirius said as he threw himself down on the grass. "I'll be surprised if I don't get 'Outstanding' on it at least."

"Me too," James said. He put his hand down his pockets and took out a struggling Golden Snitch.

"Where'd you get that?"

"Nicked it," he replied casually. He started playing with the Snitch, allowing it to fly as much as a foot away before seizing it again. Peter watched him in awe.

Remus glanced at the girls by the lake and rolled his eyes when he saw that Lily Evans was among them. No wonder why James was showing off even worse than usual… Shaking his head and wondering when the other boy would finally grow up, he got his Transfiguration manual out.

Sirius reclined, propped up on his elbows. Carelessly, he let his eyes wander around, glad to be away from the Great Hall for the day and out in the fresh air again. Remus was sitting a little way behind him, and whether it was deliberate or not, he found it annoying. Trying to ignore the other boy, he stared around at the students, looking rather haughty and bored.

"Put that away, will you," he sighed after a while, as James made a fine catch and Peter let out a cheer, "before Wormtail wets himself with excitement."

Peter turned slightly pink, but James grinned. Remus said nothing but let out a soft sigh. He hated the way Sirius' behaviour changed when it was not just the four of them. The same applied to James. They always had to show off and make fun of Peter, who had nothing but utter admiration for them. It upset Remus that they were too blind to see it.

"If it bothers you," James said, stuffing the Snitch back in his pocket. Even though he had finally managed to catch the attention of the girls by the lake, he stopped because he could see the other boy was in a rather nasty mood.

"I'm bored," Sirius said, finally lying down on the grass and enjoying the touch of the soft and cool blades against his face. "Wish it was full moon."

"You might," Remus said from behind his book. "We've still got Transfiguration; if you're bored you could test me. Here…" and he held out his book.

But Sirius snorted. He had read all there was to read about their entire program and thought he might spontaneously combust if he was asked to open one more book. And Remus, once more, was not helping.

"I don't need to look at this rubbish. I know it all."

Remus raised an eyebrow and put the book back down on his lap, burying his nose in it and deciding that Sirius' bad mood was not his problem. He had worried about him enough for a year, he thought.

"This'll liven you up, Padfoot," James said quietly. "Look who it is…"

Sirius' head turned. He became very still, like a dog that has scented a rabbit. "Excellent," he said softly. "_Snivellus_."

Without moving his book, Remus looked up and frowned.

- - -

After their respite was cut short by the incident that followed, Remus stormed back inside the castle and almost ran all the way to their dormitory, the other three boys running after him. When he reached his bed, he was red in the face and out of breath, but at least they had not caught up with him.

"What on earth was—"

Sirius did not finish his sentence and all fell silent when Remus threw his book on the floor.

"I can't believe how _immature_ you two are!" he shouted, the flush spreading to his forehead.

It was so unusual for Remus to get so worked up that the culprits did not even try to pretend they did not know what he was talking about. Peter gaped and carefully stepped towards his bed.

"You saw what he did to me!" James protested after a while, pointing at his cheek.

"You attacked him first!"

"He drew his wand as soon as he saw us!"

"Because you _provoked_ him!" Remus exploded. Then he turned to Sirius. "And you! I bet you think you're so clever, don't you, firing insults like that?"

Sirius was too taken aback by Remus' outburst to defend himself the way James was. What he could see in Remus' eyes reminded him of the night the other boy had threatened him with his wand. It was hatred; real hatred. And disdain.

"Why are you shouting at us like that?" James asked after a few seconds. "I don't remember you and Snivellus being the best of mates…"

"Because you have no respect for _anyone_! Either of you! You think you rule this place and everyone has to grovel at your feet. Newsflash: that's not the way things work!" He paused for a couple of seconds to try to catch his breath again. "Besides, I'm a prefect. And it should be my duty to report you, but I won't because you're my friends and so you're putting _me_ in a difficult position!"

All four boys fell silent. Neither James nor Sirius dared to move, lest they should unleash Remus' wrath again.

"I'm disappointed," he said at length, sounding a lot calmer than before. But his fists were clenched so tight that his knuckles had turned white. "Very disappointed. I thought you'd grown up after all, but I was wrong. I think I'm mostly disappointed in _you_, Sirius…"

The other boy looked up, frowned and finally managed to come out of his trance. "_He_ put him upside-down!"

"I'm not talking about that… Severus didn't do anything to you today. He was minding his own business, trying to blend in. He didn't want to cause any trouble," he said slowly, walking towards Sirius until they were face to face. "Doesn't that remind you of somebody else, uh? Shy, quiet and wanting nothing more than not to draw anyone's attention?"

Sirius gasped. "You're nothing like him!"

"And what if my nose and hair were different? What if you hadn't liked the look of me when we met? Would you have taunted me the way you do with him?" He turned to James. "Would _you_ have hung me upside-down in the air?"

Sirius clenched his fists and started breathing loudly. It was one thing to have Remus shouting at you, but it was another one to have him humiliate you in front of your friends. And Sirius was too proud for that.

"I don't have to take any of that!" he said between gritted teeth, grabbing his broomstick and storming out of the room before James had time to stop him.

He headed straight for the Quidditch pitch, hoping there would not be anyone there. There had better not be, because he was in an extremely foul mood and would not be held responsible for any rash action. He did not train; he did not need to now that the Quidditch season was over. He just flew. Slow, fast, high, low; anything that would take his mind off what had just happened. But nothing he could think of seemed to work and he could feel the rage building up inside, but he could not think of any way to release it.

"Dammit!" he shouted, realising that he was just going round in circles, in more ways than one.

He headed to the top of the Gryffindor stands, got off his broom and sat down on one of the benches, resting his back against the edge. He brought his knees close to his chest and hid his face in his hands with a loud grunt. He could not say how long he stayed there for, but the light had changed when he looked up again, announcing the evening. He would have to go for dinner soon, he though gloomily, looking down at the pitch. He did not want to go to dinner or even back to the castle. He did not want to face Remus again.

Then he noticed someone standing by the Gryffindor changing rooms and winced. He was too far to tell who it could be so he jumped on his broom and flew lower. Once he was close enough to make the person out, he stopped short and swallowed hard.

It was Remus.

Sirius hovered where he was for a few seconds, until Remus started walking towards him, looking down at his feet. He mustered the courage to fly towards him and made his broomstick hover close to the ground. Remus stopped in front of him and he said nothing. The wind blew and it seemed as though everything around them fell silent, waiting for something to happen. Remus nervously removed a lock that stuck to his sweaty forehead.

"Sirius, I'm sorry…"

Seeing how the other boy was not going to move or speak, he walked up to him and placed a hand on his broomstick.

"I'm truly sorry I exploded like that. Please forgive me…" he said, sending his friend imploring looks. "I…I don't know what happened back there. I couldn't hold it back. I tried to, I did, but it turned into something personal and I couldn't help it."

Sirius looked away, a frown set deeply upon his brow.

"Sirius, please…"

"What you said hurt," Sirius whispered before facing his friend again. "Is that what you think of me then? That I'm an arrogant bully, and nothing else?"

"That's not what I meant," Remus said, biting his bottom lip.

Sirius got off his broom. "But that's what you said."

Remus closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "It wasn't only that, I suppose. There's the stress of the exams, the coming full moon and—"

"And me."

"No! Don't say it like that."

There was another uncomfortable pause.

"Look, it's very hot and I need a shower before dinner…"

He knew that even though he really needed to have a shower, his main objective there was to escape the conversation. _So much for wanting to resolve conflicts quickly…_ But this was not something he had started. He was hurt in his pride and ill-at-ease, and he just wanted to get away from Remus.

"Sure," the latter replied, looking down again.

"I'll see you in the Hall…"

On the way to the showers, Sirius left his usual trail behind him: broom, cloak, jumper, pads and boots, T-shirt, trousers. He took the rest of his clothes off in the cubicle and tossed them on the floor in the middle of the shower room. Doing his best to stop his hands from shaking, he turned the water on and let out a sigh when it ran down his skin. It was not going to solve his problems, but hopefully it would help him relaxed a little.

He went rigid and turned the water off as quickly as possible when he heard footsteps.

"Don't worry, it's only me," he heard Remus say. "It's too hot outside and I just wanted some water on my face."

So he was still there.

Sirius bit his bottom lip and rested his head against the cold tiles. All he had here was his underpants, socks and a towel… All his clothes were in the changing room, where Remus was probably standing now, looking at them discarded carelessly on the floor. But what was he doing here? Sirius thought he'd been clear enough about not wanting to talk about it. Maybe Remus was paying him back for when he had been forced to talk…

He got out of the shower, wrapped up in his towel, ran to grab his underpants and rushed back to his cubicle to put them on. This was ridiculous; Sirius Black was known not to be ashamed of nudity, and there he was, hiding like a girl! He slowly crept out of the shower room, craning his neck to see whether Remus was still there. And his stomach lurched when he saw him standing at the other end of the room. He was looking at the memorabilia displayed on the wall, his hands hooked behind his back. After taking a deep breath, Sirius stepped into the room and was surprised to see his clothes put in a rather neat pile on a bench.

He went for the T-shirt first, which was—logically—placed on the top of the pile. Removing the towel from his waist and jumping into his trousers took a lot longer than he wanted it to, mainly because he was so nervous that he had to do everything twice. He then sat down to put his socks and shoes back on, and that took too much time as well. He was dearly hoping that Remus was not staring at him from the end of the room, because if that was the case, he must have been having a good laugh. Sirius stood up and let out a loud sigh of frustration when he tried to do up his tie for the third time.

When he heard Remus walking back towards him, his heart skipped a beat and his whole body tensed up once more.

"Do you want a hand with that?"

"N—OK…" Sirius mumbled, feeling Remus standing behind him.

Not knowing what made him do it, Sirius turned around and faced his friend, looking up, barely daring to breathe. Remus' slender and agile fingers fastened the tie in no time, and it was over before Sirius knew it. But before Remus stepped away again, he grabbed him by the wrists, the way he had done before. And suddenly, it was the library scene all over again, both boys staring into each other's eyes and scarcely daring to make a noise.

"Remus," Sirius said very softly, "Why did you come here? I need to know... I mean, I want the _real_ reason…"

"I just…I—" He paused and stared into Sirius' eyes. It seemed incredible that the awkwardness they had both felt until then could be solved by a simple look and a silent understanding. "I wanted to apologise to you…"

"You already have," Sirius replied, shrugging slightly. "It's OK…"

"No; not about that. I mean, of course I'm still really sorry about the way I shouted and the things I said…but there's something else I must apologise for."

His grip on Sirius' hands tightened and he entwined his fingers with the other boy's. Sirius looked down at their hands locked together for a few seconds and then stared into Remus' eyes again, frowning.

"I…I've been stupid. I know you didn't mean anything bad and I shouldn't have—"

"If this isn't about what happened this afternoon, than what are you talking about?"

Remus' jaw tensed up and he took a deep breath. "I don't want to be alone forever, Sirius… You were right. But I just—I don't know how it would ever be possible. I mean, who would want to be with a werewolf? Who wouldn't desert me upon learning my secret?"

Sirius tried to let go of his hands and speak, but Remus silenced him.

"Unless—You're right, I must learn to put my guards down and let go. But I'm so scared because that's what's kept me safe until now. But I want to; I _have_ to if I don't want to be on my own for the rest of my life. And I…I can't help thinking that…who better than someone I'm already close to? Someone who knows me; someone I trust more than anybody else despite his many flaws…"

He smiled shyly and before Sirius knew it, Remus had crossed the few inches that separated them. His eyes locked on Sirius' at all time and his breathing sounding considerably faster than usual, he slowly craned his neck until his lips touched Sirius' and could not hold back a soft moan. Sirius did not move a muscle, convinced that if he did, he would wake up and find himself at the top of the stands, because, really, it could only be a dream… When Remus' lips left his, he kept his eyes shut, waiting for the moment when the horrible truth would suddenly hit him in the face. But that moment never came, and when he opened his eyes again, Remus was smiling.

"You're still here…" the latter whispered.

"Did you really expect me to disappear like that?" Sirius asked with a small grin.

"I don't really know. I suppose I was expecting something…wrong to happen."

Shyly, Remus kissed him again, before cupping one of his cheeks and nesting his face in the other boy's neck. He closed his eyes, taking Sirius' scent in with several long, deep breaths. He had hugged him a few times before—after a particularly close victory at Quidditch, for instance—but what he had experienced then was absolutely nothing compared to the feelings that were now overcoming him. Back then it had been more about patting each other's back; this was all about slow caresses, and getting to know the other's body. At length, he stood up straight again and left one last kiss on Sirius' lips before reluctantly taking a step back.

"We should probably go for dinner," he breathed softly.

"You're right, but let me do one thing first."

"Do wh—"

Gently, Sirius' hands framed Remus' face and kissed he him back, more intensely, reminding him of that time in the dormitory when he had been so adamant to push him away. Such a thought could hardly have been further away from his mind now and he grabbed Sirius' waist with both hands. The kiss lasted for slightly longer than when Remus' had initiated them but it was so soft and gentle that he could not bring himself to break it. By the time it was it was over, he had the feeling his entire body was about to melt.

Sirius let go of his face, grinned genuinely for the first time in weeks, stuffed his Quidditch clothes in a bag, grabbed his broomstick and made his way towards the door, closely followed by Remus. They walked in silence until the castle came into view, at which point Sirius sighed.

"I'm sorry about what we did this afternoon."

Remus looked at him with a smile, raising an eyebrow. "No you're not!"

"I am! Although you have to agree that our reflexes and hexes were impressive!" When he saw the look on Remus' face, he swallowed hard. "Then again, maybe not… OK, I'm not so sorry about teaching Snivel—teaching _him_ a lesson, but I'm sorry it upset you so much. I understand now that it wasn't so much about Sni—about _him_, but the principles…"

Remus' smile grew wider. "You're not so stupid when you make an effort."

When they started getting within reasonable distance of the castle, he slowed down.

"Look, there's something I have to tell you…" he said, running a hand through his hair uneasily. "What with the end of the exams, the full moon next week, the end of the year and everything, I'm not too sure we should—"

"Don't worry," Sirius said, readjusting the broomstick on his shoulder. "I meant what I said last time in the dormitory. When you're feeling ready, I'll be there. I won't push or force you in _any_ way. Just don't let me hanging there for years, OK?"

Remus chuckled. "It's a shame really," he muttered.

"What's a shame?"

"Well, you're such a nice person; you really are! But you and James always turn into real idiots when we're around other people. I wish you wouldn't. You think it makes you look so cool, but I must admit it does quite the contrary, and doesn't call for people's respect…"

Sirius bit his bottom lip and looked down. "Yeah, I suppose Evans wasn't too impressed, was she?"

"Not the least, no…"

"Hey, I'll tell you what! I promise never do anything to…_him_ in a way that you might take personally."

"That's not going to leave you much…"

Sirius grinned again. "I'm full of surprises! Come on, now, I'm starving!"

They resumed their walk and entered the castle side by side, smiling.

_The Space Between  
Your heart and mine  
Is the space we'll fill with time_


End file.
